I Do Have A Shot

Most people tell you, and rightfully so, that you shouldn't screw up early on in life. Take it from me, you really shouldn't. Full disclosure here. I got together with the WRONG man during college, got pregnant out of wedlock, dropped out of school, and let school loans, everyday monthly bills, medical bills, and other expenses get out of hand. My credit was subsequently destroyed, my school loan went into default, my daughter is growing up way too fast, and I'm in insane amounts of debt, both to creditors and to people who were just kind to me when they probably shouldn't have been.

This all happened before I was even of legal drinking age. I spent the last few years failing miserably at the simple task of staying on the work force because I was lazy, proud, spoiled, and selfish. When I realized my daughter would be in kindergarten in a very short amount of time, I looked at my life and just started crying. It was entirely (okay, not entirely, but mostly) my fault for not doing enough research into the whole "life" thing.

In my defense, I was never taught that I should be careful about some things. I was raised in an environment where life was easy, and I thought it always would be. My mom just seemed to sort of drift through things, so I figured if I was just floating along & messing around like she seemed to be, I'd probably be fine, right? Ha. Hahaha. Right, sure.

Why is it that things like credit management, stable relationships, and time budgeting aren't required courses in high school? They should be. Home Ec isn't even required, it should be too. You get people who graduate from fucking Stanford that don't know what they're doing now that they're out in the big, bad world. That's pitiful.

And yes, this should all be common sense. I should have known not to start a joint bank account with someone whose past I honestly had no idea about (to this day, I don't know which of his stories were true and which weren't - I only know there are plot holes & inconsistencies). I should have known better than to put my name and SSN on the rent, power bill, and honestly pretty much everything. And I definitely should have known better than to get involved with him in the first place.

But common sense isn't so common, is it? So, now that I've had my violent wake-up call and I've stopped being too proud to ask for help, I'm trying to fix everything I fucked up on.

But do I even have a chance to do that this late in the game? Well, as they say, where there's a will, there's a way. It won't be comfortable, I know that. And yes, I'm afraid to some degree of the discomfort of having to face my issues head on and actually tackle them. I think I can do it. It's one thing to just be constantly messing up and being lazy for your whole life, which I was dangerously close to doing. But if you've messed up in the past, and you acknowledge that, and you are willing to really go through the list of screw-ups and fix them, then you can. If you're honest about wanting to fix your life, then people you know will see your efforts and they'll be more willing to help. But you can't con people into believing you're really trying just to get money or connections out of them, they'll see right through that. You have to really be in it, and you have to stick it out for the long haul.

So today I had the huge oh-crap-my-will-power-is-wavering moment. I didn't want to clean up, I really didn't. But then I made dinner from complete scratch for the first time in my life, and I didn't poison my family, so I felt good about myself. And all that wavering will power came right back because I gave myself a rewarding experience.

Even if you've been a major fuckup in the past, you can't let that keep you down. Whether its a lack of self-confidence or a lack of others' confidence in you that's hindering your progress, you can overcome it by really trying. Be proactive, don't be afraid to tell other people how you're doing, and do something that you feel good about every day. No, I don't feel awesome when I've done a load of laundry, but when I run out of hangers to hang stuff up? That feels good. Something solid like that will keep you going. So don't just do something every day, FINISH something, and you'll feel better. If you're the artsy type, do a piece of art and finish it. If you're a chef, cook something you've never made before. If you're a reader, finish a book. Tiny things like that will make you proud of yourself because you finished something. Something in your world has changed for the better, and there's solid evidence of it.

Little ego boosts can work wonders for your self-confidence, and they'll show the world that you're really after something, that you're out to accomplish no matter what. You're more likely to get help, and you're more likely to help yourself.

Bottom line? Go out there and DO SOMETHING. You'll feel much better. :)