Confessions of a Wannabe Superfan

Okay, so last night... well, wait. It's too hard to explain my situation if I go in that direction.

I have rudimentary Japanese skills so I like to translate things. The problem with translating things as a skill or hobby is that other people can do the exact same work as you. If you don't tell the world, "Hey, I translated this! Come read it!", then people aren't gonna know you did that work.

So I translated something back in March. An interview with a jpop singer from 1999, when her first album was released.

In a fit of nostalgia I suppose, someone else posted their own translation of the same exact interview last night.

I am, quite frankly, pissed at myself.

This translator had, most likely, no idea that I'd done the translation myself 6 months ago. The forum I posted my translation at is a very hole-in-the-wall place. At the time, the forum had very little content so I didn't go around promoting it. My thread has 7 replies.

The new translation is at a much more popular forum (though membership consists of about 100 idiots for every intelligent person there), so that forum thread has about 50 replies. More people have seen this (admittedly better) translation. And yes, the translation is better, but I'm ticked off at the situation. I already DID this work 6 months ago. This is a waste, for one thing - if more people knew about my translation, then this translator would have probably done work on something else. And for another, my work has now been completely negated.

There is TONS of text relevant to this singer out there that hasn't been translated yet. I picked a really old interview because honestly, most people don't find the old stuff relevant anymore (I thought), and I didn't think anyone else would translate it when more recent interviews haven't been touched yet. But I was proven horribly wrong, and only 6 months later at that!

I have ABYSMAL viral marketing skills. x_x

In the past I've had people in this particular fan community call me a great contributor. I don't have anything to contribute anymore, is the problem. All my most interesting downloads come from somewhere else. All my news comes from somewhere else - I don't have any exclusive sources (I did, but someone decided to use that same source & steal my thunder. Okay, fine). I also frankly don't know japanese well enough to do translations of interviews & messages.

So last night I decided not to continue it. When you work hard on something, and don't get paid, and someone does the same work faster & better than you so you don't even feel GOOD about it, then what's the point? Where's the reward?

Honestly I'd love to have that Superfan status again. I think alot of people on the internet like that feeling, otherwise we wouldn't have movie news blogs and such. There are internet guys out there who give up real lives (jobs, girlfriends, all that) for the sake of being worshipped as a Superfan by mass amounts of junior fanboys. What is it about that feeling that's so amazing? Honestly, it's not even that Superfan status feels so great - it just feels so crappy when it's torn away from you.

My boyfriend used to be the resident Superfan for the same singer that I'm so worked up about. He was an admin at the more popular of the above two forums. He had downloads & news no one else had, once upon a time. But that was long ago - he's utterly forgotten now. He says he'd rejoin the fan community if he had anything to contribute, but he simply doesn't. And understandably, he doesn't want to just be a regular joe. He wants the oldbies to remember his awesomeness. So he doesn't hang out with these online fans anymore.

I think I understand, honestly. Maybe I shouldn't hang out with these people anymore. It's easy to get caught up in the politics & drama of Superfandom. And honestly, it's like the highlander - there can be only one. I'd be competing with another Superfan at the forum (whose post count is counted in the five-digit range.... my post count is a comparably paltry 4,000-ish, so of course he has more respect than someone like me does).

So after this new translation was posted last night, I started thinking to myself, why do I give a crap? WHY do I feel the need to defend my Superfan status? Think about what being a Superfan means - no life, no friends, no hobbies, no hope to ever change the world in a positive way. Because obsessing over not only a japanese pop singer, but how her fans think of me, is taking up all of my spare time.

But that doesn't keep me from really wanting to have people lower than me look up to me. And most of them are beneath me in almost every way, I won't lie to you - most of them are less mature, dumber, meaner, more stubborn people. But because they're lower on the ladder, I get some automatic respect - I expect it to be easy to get them to look up to me. It's safe to pursue that kind of positive attention.

Which is really all anyone wants, isn't it? Positive attention. That's all I ever wanted out of the deal. Being a Superfan, a dork among dorks, is much easier than actually getting a good job, going to school, and working towards my REAL WORLD goals in a healthy, productive way. The real world is a tough place to get by in, so when the sanctuary of the internet calls, saying "come here for attention - you're smart, you'll get it!", it's hard to resist. And I got used to getting positive attention in such an easy, half-assed way. So, whenever that silver platter holding my Superfan status is pulled away from me, I get pissed. Which is what happened when the new translation of that interview was posted.

I wish I could say this experience would change me overnight, make me not want to be a Superfan anymore. But damn, is it ever an addiciton. (Otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it 24 hours later.) Positive attention via internet forums is like money for nothing. It's hard to say no to, and my self-esteem at the moment rides on this crap. I honestly don't see myself giving up my pursuit of Superfan Status on internet forums cold turkey.

But at the same time, my next employer isn't going to give a damn what my post count at a forum is. My future friends aren't going to care how many J-Pop newbies think I'm a goddess. It doesn't matter. What matters is the HONEST, REAL-WORLD ways we contribute.

So maybe I'll just cut down a bit. Treat my hobby like an actual HOBBY, and not my entire life.


I need real-life friends. Quick. >_<